The CDC says that drinking alcohol, as a woman is dangerous. They are implying that drinking (as a woman) causes “unintended pregnancy,” STDs and violence. There are a number of things wrong with this.

A woman, drunk or sober, does not spontaneously become pregnant on her own. No matter how much wine I drink in my house by myself, I’m still not pregnant! Nor do I have any booze-induced STD’s, and the only violence or injuries I’ve sustained have included banging my fist on the table after spilling my glass of wine (that’s good wine, dammit!)

What I believe CDC is trying to say is that drinking while pregnant or while trying to get pregnant is or may be unsafe for the fetus. Yes, absolutely. Some say one glass of wine while pregnant doesn’t hurt, others say there is no amount of alcohol that is safe to consume while pregnant. I believe the CDC is in the alcohol free camp. Fine by me. I am in no way arguing the CDC telling pregnant women not to drink.

What I am arguing, is that the CDC has (pardon my French), royally fucked up their message and instead, insulted all women by (1) calling us dumb drunks who can’t help but get knocked up while drinking and (2) insinuating that we are nothing other than baby making machines from the time we get our period until the time we enter menopause and therefore we should never touch a drop of alcohol because ya never know when pregnancy might happen.

Yes, alcohol lowers your inhibitions and maybe you’ll be more likely to have sex when you’re drunk. Maybe you’ll be more likely to not use a condom. But wait a minute, doesn’t it take two people to create a baby? Isn’t there something missing from this equation? The last time I checked woman + alcohol ≠ baby. Why isn’t it unsafe for men to drink too much? Why isn’t the CDC warning them of the risks of drinking too much? They are at just as much of a risk of an unplanned pregnancy, contracting an STD and being the victim of some sort of injury or violence. (Violence, really??)

So I think, what the they should have done is put out two separate reports:

(1) Drinking while pregnant, or while trying to become pregnant is unsafe for the baby. Period.

(2) Learning about safe sex and safe alcohol consumption should be taught at a much younger age. Yes, unprotected, drunken sex might result in a pregnancy. You could also be exposed to a myriad of diseases, some curable and some you have to live with for the rest of your life. But learning this at a younger age, will make sure that no matter how drunk you are, you’ll never forget.

Please don’t insult my tiny, drunk woman brain by insinuating that after a few glasses of wine, I’m going to either spontaneously get pregnant, or that I’m going to run out and bone every man I see until I am pregnant. And then keep drinking. And more importantly, (after all, this is a wine blog) don’t you dare put the mistakes of a few on my dear, dear friend alcohol. What did she ever do to you? Let’s leave wine out of this. At least until you put together an info graphic that correctly portrays the point you’re trying to make: that drinking while pregnant is unsafe.

Side note: This isn’t a feminist blog, otherwise I’d also bring up the incredibly sexist warnings pertaining to the Zika virus.. But instead I’ll just go have another glass of wine. And who knows! Maybe me and merlot will make a baby. After all, we are so happy together.